How did I get here? How I went from skinny to unskinny in one semester

I was always tiny growing up. I danced ballet from the moment I learned to walk until the day I graduated from high school. I was ALWAYS dancing. When I wasn’t in the ballet studio, I was dancing on my high school’s dance team. And when I graduated from high school, I strutted across that stage weighing a mere 95 lbs. Then came college.

The Freshman Fifteen is a widely known phenomenon in which college freshman gain 15 lbs in their first year of college due mainly to diet and lifestyle changes coupled with stress. It’s just a fact of life that most freshman know about going into school.

What I didn't know, however, was that the sudden halt of my constant dance extracurriculars along with my love of Bojangles, Ice Cream, and cheap beer would land 35 lbs on my body in the first semester. And it didn't hit me until I went home for Christmas.

I couldn't figure out why people were looking at me so funny. Yes, my clothes fit differently and, in fact, I had to abandon my 00’s for a 6, but I didn't really feel the change until after everyone else had noticed it. I remember looking through pictures of me with my family that Christmas and being horrified. Me? Fat? I didn't know the two words went together. I had never worried about my weight. I had always assumed I would be one of those lucky bitches who are skinny forever regardless of what they did. How did this happen?

Lucky for me, my serious boyfriend broke up with me a few months later. And thus began the “starve myself and listen to Dashboard Confessional because I'm depressed” diet. And boy, that worked. I was down to 115 lbs by the time summer rolled around. But, like all quick fix diets, my results didn't last long and I would continue bouncing around between 125 and 140 lbs until now.

I didn't know what to do with this added weight. I tried layering extra tank tops to cover it up. I tried wearing bigger jeans to my legs didn't look as fat. I started wearing more jewelry to take the attention off my growing body. But none of it worked. I still felt huge and my self esteem was falling fast. 

Surely, it had nothing to do with all of the crap I was shoving into my mouth on a regular basis! Lack of exercise?! I did the elliptical with my friends once a WEEK sometimes! I felt like I was being pranked.

It took the next three years to learn about and understand nutrition. It took the next year after that to understand what REAL exercise and cardio and calorie burning meant. And it took me until now to put everything together and stop making excuses for why “I know how to lose weight, I just don’t have time/money/a gym partner/motivation for it right now.”