I initially began this week's post with a promise to you all to start running again. To start training for that halfie in November (whether I am in Wilmington to run it along side HealthyLittleMe or not, I will run it with her despite our geographic differences - I owe it to myself, mostly.) But after reading the letter to her 20 year old self, I started thinking about where I was at 20.
"That would be some letter!" I thought in my head.
"No way, that would bring up some shit you DO NOT want to deal with plus you'd be copying your friend in a near identical post."
"It'd be far too long of a post, nobody wants to read that drama."
"What would you say anyway?"
"This is a fitness blog, it doesn't belong here."
Then it occurred to me. I don't want to write it because it's painful. Even now, as I sit here with that bubble in my throat and that stinging pain in my eyes and push down the notion to tear up, I still haven't let my mind truly drift back to that point in my life because it's easier to block it out. It's that very reason I feel I need to write a letter to my 20 year old self. Oh boy.
***Warning: This isn't going to be pretty, or funny, but maybe it will not only help me chase away some hidden demons, but help somebody else out there, too.***
Dear 20 year old Sam,
Hi. You're probably sitting in a tiny, dark, one bedroom apartment in Georgia. In fact, I know you are, and you have been for a year now. You don't leave the apartment for any reason other than to accompany S to the supermarket or to the local package store. You're not allowed. You don't have a vehicle of your own, you don't know anybody anyway, so there is no real reason to leave. You're scared and won't admit it. Actually, you won't admit it for another three years.
If there is one thing I want you to know, Sam, it's that it get's better. It gets so much better. But first, there will be A LOT of pain, A LOT of hurt, A LOT of self doubt, and A LOT of guilt. You'll figure it out in time. You'll get fed up with abuse and embarrassment and you will find the strength to leave. I know right now your first instinct is one of pride, you feel like you made this choice of your own free will and you must deal with the repercussions like a big girl, but you are wrong.
First of all, you're not a "big girl." You are a child. You are a child that was preyed upon by someone twice your age. He knew exactly what he was doing and you were fooled. It's not your fault. I'm going to be honest with you, sweet girl, he has a disease and he can't be helped. You can go ahead and deny it for a few more years, but when you try to help, it will backfire and he will drag you down with him.
Run.
When you finally see things clearly, run. Run as fast as you can. Don't wait until you have your "ducks in a row" because that will never happen, just get out.
This next part is of vital importance, so pay attention. Something terrible will happen. You will get a phone call one day while you're living (finally, really living) with some great people and your life will be completely turned upside down. I'd like to tell you not to answer that call, but it's unavoidable. You still care for the scared, broken little boy that lives inside that monster and you will answer it anyway. Don't be disappointed when you hear the slurred speech on the other end. It won't matter what you say, he is calling to make sure he gets one last hit in before he ends his pain for good. Don't wait to call 911 because you think it's another prank, this one is real. And don't throw the phone across the room when the coroner calls. Sometimes people's jobs force them to be insensitive. Forgive.
It wasn't your fault.
It was never your fault.
It was completely and utterly inevitable.
Stop being so angry. Let it go. You did love a part of him. I know it's easier to make yourself believe you never really did, but some part of you loved a part of him that got destroyed along the way. Mourn for that loss, it's okay. Stop being so angry.
You will meet some truly amazing people in the months and years to come. A lifelong friend who's name you will wear that made you remember what laughing feels like again. A group of people that, despite being scattered to the four corners of the world after college, will still stay in touch (for the most part) and there will be many laughs and memories to share. You will get married again, even though you will swear not to. You will have ups and downs. You will know what true friendship and love is in this man. He will never hurt you. You need to talk to someone about your past, even though you think it's all over and done with. It will have long reaching ramifications. Trust yourself.
You will travel. You will see things you never dreamed.
Try harder for those scholarships, they are not as difficult as they seem. You'll end up with more than few under your belt. Get started earlier.
No one sounds good on radio. Don't give yourself grief about it. Also, don't tell people when it's aired, it will embarrass you.
You will write books! It will be the best job ever, don't agonize over it, enjoy it!
That crazy old professor that always brings you fruit, tells you about his childhood, and helps you with so many things, won't be around much longer, don't think "I'll do it tomorrow" when you feel the need to tell him that he's been like a second dad to you and thank him for everything, you will miss your chance. And it will hurt.
You will move again and you will meet more amazing people that will inspire you in so many ways. Take it all in. Don't be afraid to be alone. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Don't talk to people on planes. You'll regret it. Trust me.
Leave a car in your driveway if you can help it. You won't like what happens to your house if you don't.
So, dear Sam, life will take you to some dark places in the next 10 years. But it will also take you to some of your best and brightest. You will miss out on your early 20's, but don't worry, you'll get them back... and then some. You will make mistakes again, some pretty big ones, and people will let you down, but don't stop living because of them. You know how short life is. LIVE IT.
Love,
Yourself
-see Sam run
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